This past week has been one of the hardest in my life emotionally. I’m not ready to get into specifics and everyone is ok, but I feel like my heart was put through a blender. On top of what was going on in my personal life, my coworker had to be out of state for a funeral, which left me on my own all week. I was frequently juggling 3 different things at work, along with what was going on at home. I wasn’t sleeping much and I was crying…a lot.
Thank G-d, it’s easing some now.
My coworker is back and things at home are calming down. I’ve been able to take care of everyone and we’re all ok and healing in various ways. Still, I’ll fully admit, there was a day last week where I just curled up with my PJ’s and mac n’ cheese and cookies while I made it through work. At the time, it felt like what I needed to do to make it through.
This week, though, I’ve sought solace in other ways. I reached out for help from friends and family and they rallied to help support me. I let go of a project I volunteered for at work without guilt. I doubled down on my nutrition and workouts, starting a new challenging program so I have something positive to think about even if my day goes downhill. I leaned on my community and, as they always do, they held me up. I swallowed my pride and contacted my own primary care doctor for medication to help support me through everything I’m going through. I gave myself more time to rest.
All too often, I try to carry the world on my shoulders alone. I worry so much about being a burden to others. I also sometimes feel guilt or shame because, at times, it just feels like my life is a mess. I cage myself in with all this inner dialogue of how things “should” be and how I “should” respond. The funny thing is that when my friends and family are going through things, I’m never this judgmental of them. I’m happy to be able to help them, even if it’s just giving them an ear to vent to. I never see them as weak or failing. I reserve that kind of meanness only for myself.
I sometimes wonder if maybe that’s why my life has these kinds of crazy times…because I’m stubborn and don’t reach out otherwise. I don’t ask for help from other people or above unless something happens that I just can’t handle otherwise. If I was less stubborn, more humble, and asked for help and support more readily, maybe things wouldn’t need to get so dramatic?
That would sure be nice for a change!
In any case, this past week, after my carb and PJ binge, after I’d taken some time to feel sorry for myself, I dusted myself off with help and realized that I have everything I need around me to face the challenges I’m given. Most of all, I have so many people who care about me and my family and aren’t afraid to reach out and show it. I have a phone full of numbers I can call and I’m so fortunate that most of them would drop almost anything if I needed help.
I keep wishing that this season would shift and I’d be back to being the one who can offer help and support rather than the one needing it, but, for now, in this season, I’m learning the lessons of being the one who needs to ask for help and support.
We all do sometimes. Please don’t be as stubborn as I often am when you need it, just show gratitude when it appears.